The Reason For The Season
Twas the night before Christmas
and people were trying
to recover somehow
from their orgy of buying
Wise men gave gifts
so it follows, you see:
We had to buy iPods
and flat-screen tvs
When Santa said, “Spend
all the money you’ve made”
What choice did we have?
We Christians obeyed
So tonight I kneel
while everyone rests
And bow my head
To make a request:
If you were willing, my Lord
to die for me
You had better come through
with a Playstation 3
Amen
Dr. Christmas
The Archbishop of York fights an army of Atheists
Here we go again: yet another battle agaisnt a non-existent foe. This time, it’s happening in the United Kingdom:
The Archbishop of York has launched an impassioned defence of Christianity in the face of what he described as “a systematic erosion” of the majority faith in public life by an “illiberal atheism”.
John Sentamu accused Whitehall of abandoning traditional Christmas cards in favour of versions carrying “Season’s Greetings” as part of an assault on the majority faith.
The country’s first black archbishop singled out Birmingham city council, which in 1998 renamed the Christmas holiday period Winterval; Torbay for removing a cross from a crematorium and Plymouth for ending free parking on Sunday mornings. The bishop, who is second in the hierarchy of the Church of England, also criticised the Royal Mail for failing to feature Jesus on this year’s Christmas stamps.
Sounds pretty bad, doesn’t it? Now that Prime Minister Blair has replaced “Merry Christmas” with “Season’s Greetings,” what’s next? Burning Christians at the stake?
Dr. Christmas
Why do some people think that there’s a War on Christmas?
I have a theory: for some, Christmas isn’t about love and family and compassion and joy. For them, it’s about hating Jews. Take a look at this letter to the editor from Bill Greco of Boca Raton, Florida:
It’s getting toward that time of year when we should be celebrating the Christmas holiday as we have for centuries. Unfortunately, I’m sure we will be entering the “war on Christmas” from certain radical left groups. I am not here to discuss the antics of the American Civil Liberties Union and the Anti-Defamation League, which are bent on doing away with Christmas.
The Anti-Defamation League! I didn’t know they hated Christmas! Oh wait– they don’t. And last I checked, the ACLU wasn’t trying to ban Christmas, either. Bill Greco is using the ADL and the ACLU as stand-ins for Jews, and he’s using the Christmas holiday to attack them. Santa’s not going to like this one bit.
In Greco’s world, the Jews have taken over the American retail sector, and they’re conspiring to keep him from buying Christmas cards:
Dr. Christmas
I’m one of Santa’s elves, and I go by “Dr. Christmas.” Actually, the term “Santa’s elves” isn’t very accurate, but I’ll get to that in a second. My purpose here is to dispell some of the myths about Santa.
Based on some of the mail we get (by the way, Santa doesn’t open his own mail, so you can stop sending letter-bombs and Anthrax, Osama), here are the leading myths that surround the holiday:
Myth 1: Santa lives at the North Pole.
This one is just stupid. Have you ever actually BEEN to the north pole? Me neither, but I imagine it’s very cold and very barren. Not a good place for a toy shop. Santa lives with his wife, the reindeer, and us elves here on Christmas Island:
We’ve even got our own flag:
Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas every….aw, fuck it. I am way too depressed for this happy, jolly bullshit. Sure, the holiday season has begun. Family members will get together. Gifts will be bought. Decorations will be hung. It should be a beautiful thing…but unfortnately this time of the year also triggers the annual right-wing freak-out over the so-called “War on Christmas”. It’s enough to drive Santa to the bottle.
This year, rather than sit back and let a bunch of paranoid evangelicals cram a holiday down our throats, I am fighting back. Along with a few friends, I’ve decided to bring a little perspective to the table. Here are the basic tenets of this blog:
There is no War on Christmas. Period. If you believe in it or if you spread fear of it, Santa is here to assure you: the War on Christmas is as real as I am.
All evidence supporting the existence of such a war is distorted at best and often fabricated. Our goal will be to examine this evidence as the season progresses. Facts and counter-arguments will be provided.
People who perpetuate the myth of a War on Christmas are assholes. They fabricate this so-called war for a variety of reasons, but in general these individuals are thin-skinned zealots who want to cram religion down our throats while cloaking their efforts in the sheep-skin of victim mentality. Bill O’Reilly, John “Baby head” Gibson, Michelle Malkin: these are just a few of the worst offenders and, over the next few months, we’ll be dissecting their particular brand of crazy.
99% of the evidence for a “War on Christmas” fits into a single category: attempts to supress the display of Christian iconograpy. Santa wants you to pay attention now, okay? He’s going to speak very slowly: These attempts have an obvious and simple explanation. There is no reason to believe in a sinister, anti-religious conspiracy. Attempts to limit the diplay of Christian iconography are part of an age-old struggle over the seperation of church and state…and that’s it. That’s all there is to it. The policy and legal battles over this have never been focused on the holiday season, they take place year round. More importantly, it is an issue fought over equally by both Christians and secularists. Once the evidence is put into it’s proper context, it becomes obvious that there is no “war”. There is, instead, a debate, one that has been going on for a long time.
In closing: my gifts are going to be a little different this year. I’m not giving out DVDs, socks or leaf blowers. Sorry. I’m giving out logic. I’m giving out reason and I’m making sure there’s a place to escape the rampant holiday fear-mongering. If you are guilty of creating this fear- if you attempt to generate hysteria over a non-existent “War on Christmas”- Santa is here to knock that tin-foil hat off your fat little head.
Merry Whatever,
Santa
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