Christmas Myths

Dr. Christmas

I’m one of Santa’s elves, and I go by “Dr. Christmas.” Actually, the term “Santa’s elves” isn’t very accurate, but I’ll get to that in a second. My purpose here is to dispell some of the myths about Santa.

Based on some of the mail we get (by the way, Santa doesn’t open his own mail, so you can stop sending letter-bombs and Anthrax, Osama), here are the leading myths that surround the holiday:

Myth 1: Santa lives at the North Pole.

This one is just stupid. Have you ever actually BEEN to the north pole? Me neither, but I imagine it’s very cold and very barren. Not a good place for a toy shop. Santa lives with his wife, the reindeer, and us elves here on Christmas Island:

We’ve even got our own flag:

I think this myth developed because of the red suit and the reindeer. So why the red overcoat? Because Santa flies at 20,000 feet, and it gets very cold at that altitude, that’s why.

How did the reindeer get to Christmas Island? The same way the rats got here: they came aboard ships. How did you imagine they got to the North Pole? Did you think reindeer were indigenous to the North Pole?

Here’s a shot of Santa, the way he looks 364 days a year:

Myth 2: “Santa’s Elves”

Santa doesn’t own us. In fact, we’ve got a union, so it’s more accurate to say that I belong to the International Brotherhood of Toymakers Local 1126 than it is to say that I belong to Santa.

About 50 years ago, Santa referred to us as “my elves” in a public appearance, and everyone got on his case when he got back to the island. Since then, he refers to us as “my elves” or “Santa’s elves” whenever he wants to provoke a reaction. He can be kind of an asshole sometimes.

Myth 3: Santa and the elves make all the toys.

In reality, we elves make all the toys without his help. This surprises some people, because they think we’re a bunch of craftsmen from the middle ages who only know how to make things like wooden rocking horses. Not so. I’m in the mechanical division, where we make bicycles and things of that nature, but we’ve got an electronics division as well.

Some people wonder how we manage to get around copyright law. First, the legal department is even bigger than the electronics division. Second, the government here on Christmas Island isn’t the most aboveboard in the world, and a few dollars in the right pockets will get the authorities to look the other way. Third, there’s the natural protection that comes from working for Santa Enterprises. What toymaker wants to be the one that takes Santa to court (the answer is “Microsoft”, but that’s a story for another day)?

So what does Santa do? Mainly appearances, PR, and fundraising (see below).

Myth 4: Santa Enterprises is a completely charitable activity.

Santa makes some fat cash. Just add up his endorsement and public appearance fees sometime. Granted, the money’s not as good as it used to be when he could be more flagrant with the commercialization, but it’s still good. Check out this ad he did back in the 1950s:

That’s all I can think of off the top of my head. If you can think of any other questions about Santa, just leave them in the comments, and I’ll answer them as best I can.

–Dr. C