The Reason For The Season

Twas the night before Christmas
and people were trying
to recover somehow
from their orgy of buying

Wise men gave gifts
so it follows, you see:
We had to buy iPods
and flat-screen tvs

When Santa said, “Spend
all the money you’ve made”
What choice did we have?
We Christians obeyed

So tonight I kneel
while everyone rests
And bow my head
To make a request:

If you were willing, my Lord
to die for me
You had better come through
with a Playstation 3

Amen

Dr. Christmas

The Archbishop of York fights an army of Atheists

Here we go again: yet another battle agaisnt a non-existent foe. This time, it’s happening in the United Kingdom:

The Archbishop of York has launched an impassioned defence of Christianity in the face of what he described as “a systematic erosion” of the majority faith in public life by an “illiberal atheism”.

John Sentamu accused Whitehall of abandoning traditional Christmas cards in favour of versions carrying “Season’s Greetings” as part of an assault on the majority faith.

The country’s first black archbishop singled out Birmingham city council, which in 1998 renamed the Christmas holiday period Winterval; Torbay for removing a cross from a crematorium and Plymouth for ending free parking on Sunday mornings. The bishop, who is second in the hierarchy of the Church of England, also criticised the Royal Mail for failing to feature Jesus on this year’s Christmas stamps.

Sounds pretty bad, doesn’t it? Now that Prime Minister Blair has replaced “Merry Christmas” with “Season’s Greetings,” what’s next? Burning Christians at the stake?

The Archbishop blames all of this creeping atheism on political correctness:

More often than not [this is done] in the fear of offending those who would not be offended, or because of the mistaken belief that Christianity has no role to play in the public arena.

I hope that I’m not being too politically incorrect when I say that John Sentamu, the Archbishop of York, is full of shit.

The Archbishop will no doubt be relieved to learn that the Prime Minister has not given up the practice of sending out traditional Christmas Cards, the term “Winterval” has been dropped, and the crematorium has replaced the cross. Also, the free Sunday parking was revoked in order to extract more money from the people of Plymouth, not to avoid offending them, and the Royal Mail stamps are just going through a routine rotation of themes:

A Downing Street spokesman said yesterday: “The archbishop is entitled to his views. The prime minister always sends Christmas cards with the message ‘With best wishes for Christmas and the New Year’. The only exemption is for the leaders of the Jewish faith, for example, and non-Christian countries.”

Meanwhile, the term Winterval has been dropped by Birmingham city council.

Alan Faulkner, the councillor in charge of crematorium services at Torbay when the cross was removed last year, said it had been returned to “where it should be”.

According to Tudor Evans, leader of Plymouth council, the decision to impose car parking charges for those attending Sunday services was to boost revenues, and was not motivated by religious considerations.

The Royal Mail has defended its decision to issue Christmas stamps without nativity scenes by saying themes were rotated.

So the people of the United Kingdom have nothing to fear. Jews and Hindus will still be cremated under a Christian symbol, and next year they can go back to buying stamps with the Baby Jesus on them.

I doubt, though, that this will appease the Christmas Jihadis of the Emerald Isle. Because the War on Christmas was never really about defending Christmas or Christianity. It was always about bullying.

People like Archbishop Sentamu don’t like the fact that their religious beliefs are regarded by most of us as being no more or less valid than those of anyone else. They want to return to the days when they could lay claim to being the defenders of the One True Faith, a time when people of other faiths were not so bold about wearing their turbans and their Stars of David out in public.

Well, I’ve had it with these bullies. I’m going to petition Santa to put Sentamu on the Very Naughty list, which means Blitzen or Dasher will be taking a dump in the Archbishop’s stocking this year.

–Dr. C.

Dr. Christmas

Why do some people think that there’s a War on Christmas?

I have a theory: for some, Christmas isn’t about love and family and compassion and joy. For them, it’s about hating Jews. Take a look at this letter to the editor from Bill Greco of Boca Raton, Florida:

It’s getting toward that time of year when we should be celebrating the Christmas holiday as we have for centuries. Unfortunately, I’m sure we will be entering the “war on Christmas” from certain radical left groups. I am not here to discuss the antics of the American Civil Liberties Union and the Anti-Defamation League, which are bent on doing away with Christmas.

The Anti-Defamation League! I didn’t know they hated Christmas! Oh wait– they don’t. And last I checked, the ACLU wasn’t trying to ban Christmas, either. Bill Greco is using the ADL and the ACLU as stand-ins for Jews, and he’s using the Christmas holiday to attack them. Santa’s not going to like this one bit.

In Greco’s world, the Jews have taken over the American retail sector, and they’re conspiring to keep him from buying Christmas cards:

Did you notice, it’s almost impossible to find a Merry Christmas card in any card store? Shame on them.

I’ve got a couple of friends in Florida, and they say that the Christmas cards ususally don’t go on sale until just before Thanksgiving. So with some luck, Greco will be able to find some Christmas cards later on.

So what would Greco have us do to honor the Christmas spirit? Buy, buy, buy:

My message is directed to shoppers this year. Please, focus on department stores that are displaying elaborate Christmas items. Decorated trees, wreaths, ornaments, toys, etc. in their stores. First, shop ’til you drop, as they say, but please, do not buy any of these Christmas items if you do not see one “Merry Christmas” sign in any part of their store. Don’t settle for “Season’s Greetings” or “Holiday Greetings” as their alternative.

Translation: honor the commercialization of Christmas, but don’t buy from Jews.

Bill O’Reilly

This reminds me of the rantings of the originator of the War on Christmas, Bill O’Reilly of Fox News. Last year, a Jewish man called O’Reilly’s show to say that he was concerned about the secularization of the Jews, which he thought was aided by Christmas displays and pageants in schools. O’Reilly told him to go to Israel.

So let me make things perfectly clear for Bill Greco, Bill O’Reilly, and all the other people who are trying to use Christmas as a club to beat up on Jews: that’s not what the holiday is all about. And it’s not about “shopping till you drop” either. And until you learn that, Santa’s going to make sure that you don’t get any felafels in your stockings.

Dr. Christmas

I’m one of Santa’s elves, and I go by “Dr. Christmas.” Actually, the term “Santa’s elves” isn’t very accurate, but I’ll get to that in a second. My purpose here is to dispell some of the myths about Santa.

Based on some of the mail we get (by the way, Santa doesn’t open his own mail, so you can stop sending letter-bombs and Anthrax, Osama), here are the leading myths that surround the holiday:

Myth 1: Santa lives at the North Pole.

This one is just stupid. Have you ever actually BEEN to the north pole? Me neither, but I imagine it’s very cold and very barren. Not a good place for a toy shop. Santa lives with his wife, the reindeer, and us elves here on Christmas Island:

We’ve even got our own flag:

I think this myth developed because of the red suit and the reindeer. So why the red overcoat? Because Santa flies at 20,000 feet, and it gets very cold at that altitude, that’s why.

How did the reindeer get to Christmas Island? The same way the rats got here: they came aboard ships. How did you imagine they got to the North Pole? Did you think reindeer were indigenous to the North Pole?

Here’s a shot of Santa, the way he looks 364 days a year:

Myth 2: “Santa’s Elves”

Santa doesn’t own us. In fact, we’ve got a union, so it’s more accurate to say that I belong to the International Brotherhood of Toymakers Local 1126 than it is to say that I belong to Santa.

About 50 years ago, Santa referred to us as “my elves” in a public appearance, and everyone got on his case when he got back to the island. Since then, he refers to us as “my elves” or “Santa’s elves” whenever he wants to provoke a reaction. He can be kind of an asshole sometimes.

Myth 3: Santa and the elves make all the toys.

In reality, we elves make all the toys without his help. This surprises some people, because they think we’re a bunch of craftsmen from the middle ages who only know how to make things like wooden rocking horses. Not so. I’m in the mechanical division, where we make bicycles and things of that nature, but we’ve got an electronics division as well.

Some people wonder how we manage to get around copyright law. First, the legal department is even bigger than the electronics division. Second, the government here on Christmas Island isn’t the most aboveboard in the world, and a few dollars in the right pockets will get the authorities to look the other way. Third, there’s the natural protection that comes from working for Santa Enterprises. What toymaker wants to be the one that takes Santa to court (the answer is “Microsoft”, but that’s a story for another day)?

So what does Santa do? Mainly appearances, PR, and fundraising (see below).

Myth 4: Santa Enterprises is a completely charitable activity.

Santa makes some fat cash. Just add up his endorsement and public appearance fees sometime. Granted, the money’s not as good as it used to be when he could be more flagrant with the commercialization, but it’s still good. Check out this ad he did back in the 1950s:

That’s all I can think of off the top of my head. If you can think of any other questions about Santa, just leave them in the comments, and I’ll answer them as best I can.

–Dr. C

Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas every….aw, fuck it. I am way too depressed for this happy, jolly bullshit. Sure, the holiday season has begun. Family members will get together. Gifts will be bought. Decorations will be hung. It should be a beautiful thing…but unfortnately this time of the year also triggers the annual right-wing freak-out over the so-called “War on Christmas”. It’s enough to drive Santa to the bottle.

This year, rather than sit back and let a bunch of paranoid evangelicals cram a holiday down our throats, I am fighting back. Along with a few friends, I’ve decided to bring a little perspective to the table. Here are the basic tenets of this blog:

There is no War on Christmas. Period. If you believe in it or if you spread fear of it, Santa is here to assure you: the War on Christmas is as real as I am.

All evidence supporting the existence of such a war is distorted at best and often fabricated. Our goal will be to examine this evidence as the season progresses. Facts and counter-arguments will be provided.

People who perpetuate the myth of a War on Christmas are assholes. They fabricate this so-called war for a variety of reasons, but in general these individuals are thin-skinned zealots who want to cram religion down our throats while cloaking their efforts in the sheep-skin of victim mentality.  Bill O’Reilly, John “Baby head” Gibson, Michelle Malkin: these are just a few of the worst offenders and, over the next few months, we’ll be dissecting their particular brand of crazy.

99% of the evidence for a “War on Christmas” fits into a single category: attempts to supress the display of Christian iconograpy. Santa wants you to pay attention now, okay? He’s going to speak very slowly: These attempts have an obvious and simple explanation. There is no reason to believe in a sinister, anti-religious conspiracy. Attempts to limit the diplay of Christian iconography are part of an age-old struggle over the seperation of church and state…and that’s it. That’s all there is to it. The policy and legal battles over this have never been focused on the holiday season, they take place year round. More importantly, it is an issue fought over equally by both Christians and secularists. Once the evidence is put into it’s proper context, it becomes obvious that there is no “war”. There is, instead, a debate, one that has been going on for a long time.

In closing: my gifts are going to be a little different this year. I’m not giving out DVDs, socks or leaf blowers. Sorry. I’m giving out logic. I’m giving out reason and I’m making sure there’s a place to escape the rampant holiday fear-mongering. If you are guilty of creating this fear- if you attempt to generate hysteria over a non-existent “War on Christmas”- Santa is here to knock that tin-foil hat off your fat little head.

Merry Whatever,

Santa